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Saturday, April 30, 2011

The Cubical Diaries

Yesterday I blogged about National Infertility Awareness Week and little did I know that J was also participating in this awareness week at work. J doesn't talk much about our story to his friends, especially at work because he processes his feeling differently. I think most women that have gone through this will agree that their husbands don't talk about it much and just keep plugging ahead. I have talked to other women and they have said they wish there was a way to get their husbands to talk about it  more with their friends. I think for them it has to just happen naturally and when they do talk about it they will be honest, and sincere and ready.

Well, the opportunity happened unexpectedly for J in a cubicle at work with two co-workers. (He had not read my blog, and did not know it was awareness week) One of the co-workers whose filtering ability is limited asked J.."Don't you and L ever want to have kids?" J proceeded to tell him, that yes we did want children and had been trying for several years, medical treatments included.  He asked if we had considered adoption and J shared that story. He was floored that all of this had been going on and he didn't have a  clue. The other co-worker who had been sitting there quietly shared with Jaime that his wife had been talking to him about starting a family for the past few months. Other inappropriate comments were said that I won't post(like infertility costs in comparison to the type of car we could be driving now, and inappropriate adoption language), but needless to say made J and I chuckle!  I think we are both doing good if we can talk about our story and then even laugh at the end of it!

I am very proud of J for sharing our story during infertility awareness week. I think it will stimulate conversation between those men and their wives about infertility and adoption.

Friday, April 29, 2011

National Infertility Awareness Week

I know I am classified as "infertile" and until I prove it otherwise, this is an adjective that can be used to describe me. If I don't say it out loud, maybe its not true. I really don't like this word. I wish we could get a more friendly sounding word like "baby challenged"(however I don't know if that is much better). I have tried not to think about it(or even talk about it) and focus on the positives of my life. Sometimes, life has other plans for you. I turned on the news today and learned it was "National Infertility Week". Hmmmm. The curious part of me visited the Resolve website(a site I have avoided lately). The goal of this week is to bring awareness to this issue by busting myths, giving education, and helping people not be afraid to talk about their "condition". They also address the different ways people build families. Hmmm. I don't talk about my story much, I don't think it is because I am embarrassed, but rather because it is painful and people can be so judgmental(including myself). We have been on this road about 5 years and myths I have heard have been the usual and some more unusual. I have heard:
 1. Take a vacation(we have taken several)
 2. Stop worrying about it and you will get pregnant
 3. you are too stressed(my favorite..I am at fault right?)
 4. stand on your head after relations(I don't know if I could physically do this)

The list goes on but most infertile couples can relate to one of these "myths". If you want to know more myths visit the resolve website.

I won't bore you with the details of the infertility path we took, but we have tried it all, IUI, IVF, acupuncture, the"normal way", etc. I have reflected on it a lot the past few weeks as I have been blogging during lent.  I'm not sure I turned to God enough during that infertility path because I was so focused on the "science" and "curing" what was wrong with me. I think as I have turned to him more, my eyes have been opened to the joy in my life and the plan he has for me that is different, yet still not revealed. In closing, I don't want "infertile" to be the only adjective to describe me.  I would like to be described as "hopeful", "faithful", "funny", "loving", "giving", "graceful", "supportive", I could go on but you get the point........

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Idle with Despair

Well, I was not going to blog today.  I didn't feel like I had much to say, then I was inspired tonight. I don't know if it was God, or Delilah(radio host) that did it, but it happened. She played "Hands" by Jewel while I soaked in my bubble bath, and I listened and almost cried. I have heard the song before, but tonight I listened. Some of the verses are simple, yet so moving. I did not post all the lyrics, but some of the one's that were most moving to me. I really like the verse "I won't be idle with despair", and " I will gather myself around my faith for light does the darkness fear most". WOW, How many times have I been idle with despair?? Probably one to many times. Jewel also performed this song for the Pope at "Natale in Vaticano"(Christmas in the Vatican) I have posted a link to that performance if you would like to see it and hear all of the lyrics.  

"If I could tell the world just one thing
It would be that we're all OK
And not to worry 'cause worry is wasteful
And useless in times like these
I won't be made useless
I won't be idle with despair
I will gather myself around my faith
For light does the darkness most fear

In the end only kindness matters
In the end only kindness matters
I will get down on my knees, and I will pray
I will get down on my knees, and I will pray
I will get down on my knees, and I will pray

And I am never broken
We are never broken
We are God's eyes
God's hands
God's mind
We are God's eyes
God's hands
God's heart
We are God's eyes
God's hands
God's eyes
We are God's hands
We are God's hands"



Monday, April 25, 2011

What Now?

Well, as you can see, Lent is over, but my attempt at blogging is not. I have decided to continue blogging. My number one fan(you know who you are) has encouraged me to keep going, and I must admit it has been good for me to 'journal' my feelings.  Today I have changed the look, but it is still me. I plan to continue to improve my blog which requires learning on my part. This afternoon I was researching how to edit "HTML code" of my "template code". Yes, I have not gotten the courage to take on that task yet, but it is coming soon. (Thank you shabbyblogs.com) I have added labels for those of you who would like to read a post relating to a particular topic. My pages are "under construction" but I hope to add information to them.  I have added my all time most popular post, which is on the bottom of the blog.  Looking back at my most popular posts has been interesting. The post that were my most "vulnerable" or "honest" seemed to be the most read. I hope it is because it touched someone, or was something they could relate too. I plan to continue to talk about things important to me which will be my family, Sadie, my faith, adoption, and fun with my friends.

Sunday, April 24, 2011

EASTER





Happy Easter! I made it! I have blogged everyday since Ash Wednesday. I think I have complained less, learned a little about myself, and had some fun along the way. I have raised some money, but I won't say how much because I don't want y'all to know how much I complained!! Thank you to all who have read my blog and supported me with positive feedback.  I think I will continue on with my blog. It may not be everyday, but when I feel inspired or need to be inspired. I will just see where it takes me.

The epilogue of my lenten reflection book says that we now have the fifty days of the Easter season to "let the good news sink in". During lent I participated in "Lectio Divina" or "sacred reading". It is prayerful reading of the scripture(sometimes over and over), pondering the word, searching for its meaning, really listening to what God is saying to us personally. I don't think this is easy. I know we can sit in church, hear the reading and listen to the homily telling us what it means. I think trying to find the meaning on my own has been very challenging, and requires more participation on my part. It seems to me that this form of prayer is not necessarily about asking God for what I want and need, but listening to God's word as he is telling me what I need and what his plan is for me. Our priest said today that we must " Turn towards Jesus and he will meet you there". "If you are sick, afraid, addicted, sad, struggling...Take a step towards Jesus and he will meet you there."

Enough babbling.....After Church, J and I took self-portrait Easter pics, made a big brunch, and bathed the Sadie who found a not-so-nice Easter Scent.

I hope everyone celebrates and has a joyful day! 


Saturday, April 23, 2011

Friday, April 22, 2011

Good Friday


It seems this week I have not had much to say. It is weird how it works that way. Sometimes I can't type fast enough, sometimes I can't type at all. Today is Good Friday. A very solemn day before the joy of Jesus resurrection on  Easter Sunday. I really like what my daily lenten reflection book wrote today. I thought I would type it so others may get something from it too. The following is from "The Little Black Book: 6 minute meditations on the Sunday Gospels" based on the writings of Bishop Ken Untener and put together by Catherine Haven. For more information you can go to www.littlebooks.org.

The suffering of Jesus may make me uncomfortable. God the Father may seem demanding or cold to make his only son go through all these torments to redeem me. 


My sins may seem like a debt that needs to be paid (rice bowl anyone?) - but I can't pay it so Jesus pays it for me by suffering and dying in my place. God the Father seems like a cruel creditor, carefully measuring the debt owed to him because of sin.


But that's not the way it was at all.
It was a question of love. An act of perfect love.
Jesus the man loved God Fully and (as it turned out) this love involved human suffering. His suffering was the expression of the love of a human being infused with divine love for God.


That love- not the suffering- is the important part. 


After typing these words I have some comments. We all are suffering. We all have our daily crosses. They may be different, but they are not any less deserving. I feel like my suffering is our struggle to have children, but as some very good friends have pointed out," Put your faith in God, his plan for you may be greater than you could ever have imagined". I hope that we all can take our daily suffering and apply this wisdom.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Holy Thursday

Reflection: "In what way do I sing 'Hosanna' by the way I live my life? In what way do I shout 'Crucify Him' by the way I treat others?"

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Wednesday of Holy Week:"A Smile Goes a Long Way."



A smile goes a long way. Sometimes I forget this. Whenever people are helping me, I always feel at ease and more relaxed if they seem calm and are smiling at me. We were talking about it at work yesterday. It is not that hard to smile at someone, yet often we don't. I started to think about the advantages of smiling. The first thing that popped in my head is "How many calories are burned smiling?" The answers I found point to NONE. But really, Do I smile to burn calories? The answer is no. I smile because it is easy, it makes me feel better, and it puts the person I am interacting with at ease and less defensive. Today, I challenge you to put a big smile on your face, and keep it there...no matter what!!

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Tuesday of Holy Week: "Little Things"

I love the little things in life... A note from a friend, a cup of coffee on a perfect morning, someone holding the door open for you, a simple thank you, etc. None of these are extravagant but they are all real and simple; they are the "little things". I hope I don't forget to appreciate small acts of kindness. What are the little things that make me smile? What are the little things I do for others that I hope make them smile? I think these are questions we should always ask ourselves.

Thanks J for taking pictures of the moon last night! It was so bright it almost looked like the sun!

This morning I thought I would put some of my prayer requests on my blog. Continue to pray for the firefighters battling the blazes in Palo Pinto. Keep them safe and help them to put out the fires. Pray for the families who lost their homes yesterday. The fires continue to burn and are very close to home. Pray for my friend and her family, Her Grandmother passed away this weekend. Thank you God for the safe arrival of a special baby to a friends family.  Thank you God for this day. 

Monday, April 18, 2011

Monday of Holy Week




Yesterday J and I went to Scarborough Renaissance Festival  in Waxahachie. We had a blast. The day was beautiful and cool. We took some pictures, ate some grub, played some games, and learned a few things. I definitely think this day was perfect. Sadie, got in the festival spirit as well. Here are some pictures to enjoy.








Sunday, April 17, 2011

Saturday, April 16, 2011

Lent Day 39: "Smoke and a Prayer"



The fires just west of us have been extremely bad. Smoke has filled our air, our homes, and our lungs. Several families are without homes today due to the fires. I pray for them. May God comfort them and keep them safe. Spring should be about growth and life, yet I see a lot of destruction. Tornados that have killed several and left others homeless these past few days. I pray for them. I was searching for a prayer to say for these families and I found one that is beautiful. So today pray with me the universal prayer of Pope Clement XI(pope from 1700-1721):
Lord, I believe in you: increase my faith.
I trust in you: strengthen my trust.
I love you: let me love you more and more.
I am sorry for my sins: deepen my sorrow.

I worship you as my first beginning,
I long for you as my last end,
I praise you as my constant helper,
And call on you as my loving protector.

Guide me by your wisdom,
Correct me with your justice,
Comfort me with your mercy,
Protect me with your power.

I offer you, Lord, my thoughts: to be fixed on you;
My words: to have you for their theme;
My actions: to reflect my love for you;
My sufferings: to be endured for your greater glory.

I want to do what you ask of me:
In the way you ask,
For as long as you ask,
Because you ask it.

Lord, enlighten my understanding,
Strengthen my will,
Purify my heart,
and make me holy.

Help me to repent of my past sins
And to resist temptation in the future.
Help me to rise above my human weaknesses
And to grow stronger as a Christian.

Let me love you, my Lord and my God,
And see myself as I really am:
A pilgrim in this world,
Christian called to respect and love
All whose lives I touch,
Those under my authority,
My friends and my enemies.

Help me to conquer anger with gentleness,
Greed by generosity,
Apathy by fervor.
Help me to forget myself
And reach out toward others.

Make me prudent in planning,
Courageous in taking risks.
Make me patient in suffering, unassuming in prosperity.

Keep me, Lord, attentive at prayer,
Temperate in food and drink,
Diligent in my work,
Firm in my good intentions.

Let my conscience be clear,
My conduct without fault,
My speech blameless,
My life well-ordered.
Put me on guard against my human weaknesses.
Let me cherish your love for me,
Keep your law,
And come at last to your salvation.

Teach me to realize that this world is passing,
That my true future is the happiness of heaven,
That life on earth is short,
And the life to come eternal.

Help me to prepare for death
With a proper fear of judgment,
But a greater trust in your goodness.
Lead me safely through death
To the endless joy of heaven.

Grant this through Christ our Lord. Amen.

Friday, April 15, 2011

Lent Day 38: "Light"


This week I have been reflecting on waiting, praying for patience, and continuing to enjoy life in the process. This past Sunday's reading was from John 11:38-54 
By the time Jesus and his Disciples reach Bethany, Lazarus had been dead four days. At the tomb, Jesus cries. He asks to have the stone rolled away. He prays aloud to God and he calls out in a strong voice: "Lazarus come out". And he came back to life."
I have read several different interpretations of this Gospel. I like the reflection from Larry Gillick at Creighton University. He has a list, which if you ask J he will say "Loribug loves lists".  He says:

1. This story is about the Death and Resurrection 
2. This story is about how personal Jesus is with His love for us
3. This story is about Jesus' calling us out of our personal tombs
4. This story concerns Jesus being the light and the life
5. This story is about the role of "signs" or "works" for the Jews to believe in Jesus.

My church reflection says this: Lazarus is saying: I got sick, died and was buried. Then Jesus came. When he spoke my heart beat and my soul stirred, and I was alive again. Jesus can do the same for you.

This story is telling me I must believe in Jesus. I must have faith that his plan for me will be eventually revealed.  We all get stuck in our "tombs".  We must see Jesus and continue to believe in him if we are ever going to escape our own "personal tombs". Jesus is the light that will lead us out of our dark tombs. 

I have been reflecting on waiting this week, and I feel God sent me some light, a reminder some may say. The director of our adoption agency sent a link that a waiting family had sent her. It is just perfect. If you are interested you can view it at this link: 


Thursday, April 14, 2011

Lent Day 37: "Change"

Lent is a time of reflection and change. My goal this lent has been to pray more, complain less, and blog about it. I decided today would be a good change day. You can see I have changed the look of my blog. I am learning the blog tricks and I expect to change it more as I get better. Even with all the visible changes, I believe it is the content that really affects people.  I think blogging has helped me to express my feeling. Writing is very therapeutic. As a math/science person, I didn't ever think I would say those words. Change day has also included changing my hair. Yesterday I told my hairdresser to cut it all off!!! J helped me get a good picture so you could see the change. So, I have changed my blog appearance, my appearance, what's left to change? I think I will change a thought. That is what this is about, right? Changing and growing on the inside. Yesterday, I blogged about waiting and my Dad left a great comment. Maybe I'm looking at wrong. Maybe Sadie isn't waiting. She is enjoying life just as it is.  So, yesterday I did something fun and enjoyed something beautiful that God has given us. I visited the Botanical Gardens, in particular the rose gardens. They were spectacular!! Today, I encourage everyone to just be, and appreciate the beauty around you, just as Sadie does everyday. (Thanks for the inspiration Dad!)

Strike a Pose!

Everything is coming up Roses!!


For Martha, It's the Cinco de Mayo Rose.

Peace

Beauty

Love




Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Lent Day 36: "Still Waiting"

If you read "patiently waiting"(April 3) on my blog, this is a continuation. I took these pictures of Sadie, last night and this morning. It is interesting that she always goes to the same spot to sit and wait. It is kind of like me. I like my routine. I rely on things that are familiar to me. She ventures off course a little, but she prefers in front of the planters as her favorite.  I have been thinking of our adoption journey a lot this week. It seems the reminders keep coming up. Funny how some weeks it is in the background but others it is in the forefront. It started this weekend when my friend KL(4 years old going on 15) wanted to go into "the baby's room". Several months ago she came to see the room when we got the news we were picked by a birthmom. I honestly was surprised she remembered that room. After the failed adoption, the room's door has just remained closed, because I just really don't know what I should do about "that room". She wanted to see what toys I had for the baby, and to let me know that now that she was 4 she could help me babysit.(and that her brother would not be interested in that!) So, we went in the room. I wasn't sad(big step), and we looked at the toys. They got her approval. It really got me thinking, "When would there be a baby in this room? 
Later in the week we got a general email update from our adoption agency that they were working with several birthmothers and praying for all the waiting families. They have already had 7 placements this year! It got me thinking again, "When would there be a baby in this room?"
Also this week, our quarterly adoption education form is due. We are required to continue to educate ourselves on adoption issues and turn a form into our agency. I am finishing up a book called "Adopting after Infertility". Again got me thinking, "When will there be a baby in that room?"
This morning seeing Sadie in that same spot, I got my answer.  The answer is: I must STILL, PATIENTLY WAIT!!!


Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Lent Day 35:"Snooze"

I keep hitting the snooze button!!! Why don't I just get up?  I guess in life I do procrastinate some, even when I am sleeping. Funny how that happens.  When the alarm goes off, shouldn't I just get up and face the day.  Is waiting 10 more minutes really going to make that much difference in my quality of sleep? Isn't the motto, "you snooze, you lose?"

Monday, April 11, 2011

Lent Day 34: "Slow Down"

Two days last week I passed a cop car that was sitting in the same church parking lot on my way to work. I wasn't speeding, but I couldn't help wondering if that was God's way of saying, slow down in life, enjoy it!

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Lent Day 33: "Windy"

The wind is howling and blowing this morning!!! My house is shaking and creaking from it, I hope it still stands at the end of the day. My plants are also taking a beating from the wind and sun, and it is only April, I hope they survive. We have had a really windy and dry season so far. I sit here drinking my coffee and reflecting on what I want to say on my blog today. Then it hits me that this windy day is a great metaphor for my life sometimes.  It seems the past few years I have seen a lot of "wind". I was blessed with a wonderful husband and nice home.  Then it seems the wind came and it has been windy for awhile. Years of hope for children, yet just needles and lots of question marks remained. Then more hope, the miracle of adoption. Then more wind, a failed adoption. Yet, I still am standing, I am here this morning. My house, my faith, my hope have been shaken, but they have not blown away. 

Saturday, April 9, 2011

Lent Day 32: "Hugs and Jugs"

Today God blessed me with another beautiful Saturday! I got up bright and early and spent the day with my good friends J and her 2 cute kids W and KL. We raced for the cure. We fought for the cause to "Save the Boobs" and "Treasure the chest". It was a wonderful, yet wacky race. There were THOUSANDS of people up bright and early to participate. The atmosphere was celebratory, yet at times brought tears to my eyes.  God bless and give strength to all those affected by this disease. Here are a few pictures and video to give you an idea of how fun my day was. 




Tennis Shoes....Check
Warm up Dance!!


Pink, Glittery Hair....Why not?

Port-A-Potties make a great back drop!

I'm going to add a bandana to that!

Let's Run!!!

Buddies and Boobs!

Really, There were thousands of people!

Stopping  along the Race to collect the Rollie Pollies!

Look Mom, We Won!

Winners!


Break Time

I prefer my Longhorns Burnt Orange, but I will take pink today!

If you are gonna ride a tractor, it might as well be pink!

Cute Family!

Balloons!!
The last thing I saw while walking out was a T-shirt that had the Bible verse Eph 6:10 and I thought what a great way to end this blog...
"Finally, Draw your strength from the Lord and his mighty power."

Friday, April 8, 2011

Lent Day 31: "My Rice Bowl Runneth Over"

I'm exhausted! Yesterday was so busy and hectic. I know that several complaints escaped my lips. I just couldn't help it. I guess when you are pushed to the brink, it is hard to keep your cool.

Rice Bowl Total: $$$$$

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Lent Day 30: "Extreme Couponing"

I watched Extreme Couponing last night and it was fascinating. These people are dedicated! Usually they resorted to extreme couponing because of debt, large families, loss of a job, etc. Then they got addicted.  I have never seen anything like it. It takes planning and time.  One man's bill was 5,000 but ended up at 100! This really has nothing to do with lent, but I just found it really interesting. They were saving 40,000 to 50,000 a year in groceries!!! I went to the grocery store and got a few bags for 80 dollars, and these people were getting several cartfuls for under 40. I guess if you set your mind to something and plan you can do it!

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Lent Day 29: "Rose"

Yesterday, I came home from work and walked by my garden, and the Roses were beautiful!!! Some have started to bloom or are very close, covered in buds. I always associate Easter with roses. I remember one picture in particular of my family in our Easter best with rose bushes in the background(and Easter baskets in hand!). I also remember my Dad always bringing my Mom and I fresh cut roses. I remember yellow roses at my grandmothers funeral. It is funny that my lenten reading today has information on roses. Roses were banned in the early church because they were viewed as a symbol of paganism, orgy, and lust. Today, the christians use roses as a symbol of the Blessed Virgin Mary and Christ. It is interesting that one simple, yet beautiful flower can have so many meanings to so many different people.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Lent Day 28: "Black and White"

Life is black and white, right? There is always a correct answer and a wrong answer. Good and Bad.  Yes and no. You get my point. If this is true, Why is it so hard for me to make a decision that the answer seems obvious? Why do I fret and worry about making the decision that is right? What about the gray area? If there is a right answer and it hurts someone in the process, Is it the right answer? I just don't know....

Monday, April 4, 2011

Lent Day 27: "Blind"

The Gospel this week was from John 9:1-41. It is the story of the blind man.  The part of this story that really touched me is when Jesus's disciples asked "Rabbi, Who sinned, this man or his parents so that he has become blind?" Jesus answered "Neither he nor his parents sinned; it is so  that the works of God can be made visible though him"

It really hit me because.......How many times in life when things didn't work as planned, did I wondered if I was being punished for my sins? This story tells me that we are not punished. God's plan may be different from ours, and things not working as planned may lead us in a different direction.....so that the works of God can be made visible through us. If you read more interpretation of this story, you find it is more about us being "unblinded" to Jesus, the light.  But in a way, it is the same. We are blind to why we don't always get what we planned, but we must have faith in Jesus if we ever wish to be "unblinded".

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Lent Day 26: "Patiently Waiting"

Yesterday, I worked on my back patio.  I planted some colorful spring plants in some planters and spruced up my patio. I later snapped this picture of Sadie hanging out, and patiently waiting by my Saturday project.  You may ask , "What is Sadie waiting for?" She waits, staring out into the yard in hopes of seeing rabbits, birds, and on occasion deer. She sits, enjoys the breeze, and doesn't seem in a hurry to go anywhere. She patiently waits. Life for her seems so simple. Why can't it be that simple for me? I am supposed to patiently wait for what God has in store for me. Why is that so hard? I fill my day with little events and string them together while I wait.  I dream, hope, and wonder. I try not to get to excited or plan too much, after all I am waiting. I have no control over the waiting.  I have control over the patience and it is something that I have to work at in my life.  What in your life must you patiently wait for? 

Saturday, April 2, 2011

Lent day 25: "Happy"

I woke up, and decided I was going to be HAPPY today. I made a frittata for the first time. I think I may have seen a smiley face in it!


 I had a cup of coffee on my patio and just smiled. 


Sadie was enjoying the morning too. 






It is a beautiful morning which will turn into a beautiful day. Thank you God for giving me this day.