Footprints

These are the footprints of my son. I'm not sure I ever truly believed I would say or type those words, yet I sit here today(coffee in hand, and my son asleep) typing them. I have not blogged since we got word back in March of our match. I don't think I could really process all the feelings I was having, let alone share them in my blog. After finding out about our match, I experienced every single emotion possible..joy, love, excitement, FEAR, happiness, peace..you get the picture. Today feels like a great day to start to talk about the emotions. Our little man has run into our hearts and stolen them. I started this blog during lent after a failed match. I go back and read bits and pieces of my blog and remember all the heartache I felt, yet I continued to  search for joy and happiness and hope. All along, God had his plan for my family. God's plan was very different than anything I could have imagined or hoped. His plan was much better. It allowed my relationship with my husband to become closer, new friendships to develop, and birth of a family in a way that could only be orchestrated by him. I developed a new respect for life and the sacrifices that are made to preserve life. After the birth of our son, my parents gave me a daily devotional book called "Jesus Calling" by Sarah Young. My husband, not an outwardly emotional guy, tapped my shoulder with tears in his eye's and said, read the day our son was born. This book was published 2004 and it was like that day had been written for us. Here is what it said:

"I have loved you with an everlasting Love. Before time began, I knew you. For years you swam around in a sea of meaninglessness, searching for love, hoping for hope.  All that time I was pursuing you, aching to embrace you in my compassionate arms.
When time was right, I revealed Myself to you. I lifted you out of that sea of despair and set you down on a firm foundation. Sometimes you felt naked-exposed to the revealing Light of My Presence. I wrapped an ermine robe around you: My robe of righteousness. I sang you a love song, whose beginning and end are veiled in eternity. I infused meaning into your mind and harmony into your heart. Join me in singing my song. Together we will draw others out of darkness into My marvelous Light."
I could not have expressed it any better.

Lent Day 16: Still Waiting....(from popular waiting series last lent)

I recently bought a book called " While We Wait: Spiritual and Practical Advice for those trying to Adopt" by Heidi Schlumpf. I wish I had found this book ages ago. The author, a birth mom herself from a teenage pregnancy, talks about her and her husbands wait to adopt internationally. She has the book divided in small chapters that address certain issues that adoptive families face during their wait. She has everything from waiting during the holidays, coping strategies, when the going gets tough, those who wait with us and more. I would like to share her thoughts of waiting during Easter. I find it very appropriate since we are in the Lenten season preparing for Easter. This particular paragraph really spoke to me:
"Adoptive parents must be Easter people. We must be filled with hope for new life. We must trust that good can come out of bad. We must believe that no matter what happens- our paperwork gets lost, the country we are adopting from changes its rules, the birthmother who selected us changes her mind- God's life will ultimately triumph over these symbolic "deaths". "

J and I are Easter people. We Believe.

Do you ever surprise yourself?

Do you ever surprise yourself? I know I do, and this picture proves it! While on our DC trip I was given the opportunity at the Smithsonian Natural Science Museum to hold this bad boy. In case you can't see clearly it is a COCKROACH. The volunteer said it was a BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, COCKROACH, but really the only part I heard was COCKROACH. The next thing I know Jaime's snapping a picture, and surprise I'm smiling. I guess looking at this picture , I see I'm capable of more than I thought. I'm continually being challenged by God. Work has been extremely challenging this new year, yet I go back everyday ready to face the challenge. The wait to adopt has been very, very, challenging. Lots of self-inflicted questions like "what is wrong with us?" "why not us?" Really it's not a competition, but try telling that to families who wait, and wait, while it seems families are being formed all around. It's hard not to think you are doing something wrong, or something is wrong with you that you don't see. In fact, this evening, I was feeling down about the wait., hopeless one might say.  I decided to look over my pictures and when I stopped on this one, I smiled. I'm capable of more than I give myself credit for, I mean look at me, I'm holding a COCKROACH. (there were grown men around me who wouldn't take this challenge). So I guess I can keep going, and this picture proves I'm up for the challenge.

Speaking of challenges, this is a wonderful quote from the MLK memorial. It really touched me, and has a lot of meaning to me. I hope that maybe someone out there may like these words as well.

Miracles

Don't get ahead of yourself....This is not my miracle but it is a miracle...He is living proof of LOVE and PRAYERS ANSWERED. My friend and her husband were blessed, after a long wait, with the gift of adoption. Holding Baby C today gave me such hope for a future that I can't see yet, but I know is there.   There is no doubt that this baby boy was a gift from God and That God picked his family. Congratulations to my friends. I'm so happy that I got to see God form your family, it is truly a miracle.  

Christmas Waiting: Part 3:Supporting the ones you love who are waiting

Okay, so I decided I would round out my day and make this a 3 part Christmas Waiting series(kind of like the 3 purple advent candles while we wait for baby Jesus)  and then I'm done about this topic until the new year. I thought I would take this opportunity to thank the family and friends who support me every day. Despite my ups and downs, you are there for me and I really appreciate and love you.

Sometimes, during this journey you(the adoptive family) are subject to many odd and uncomfortable comments. I thought I would reference a good blog on being "the village" to those who are waiting to adopt. I think is has great perspective and most families can identify with her thoughts.

http://elderadventures.blogspot.com/2011/11/village-supporting-adoptive-families.html

Christmas Waiting: Part 2

I spent some time with some gingerbread friends, and a dog trying to be santa and my melancholy has turned to Christmas Cheer! I even had a dove chocolate promise, and it had a nice message. 

Doves Promise"Open your eyes to all the love around you"

Christmas Waiting

Christmas waiting sucks! Any family who has suffered infertility, or is waiting to adopt, as well as any orphan who is waiting for their forever family, will probably tell you this is a true statement.  There are reminders everywhere of babies, toys, families, etc. You get the picture. There are "well meaning" comments of what you need to do to get pregnant, or get picked by a birthmom, because after all...It's your fault that you don't have a child.(This sounds angry, but that is the way it feels, even if that's not the way it is intended) There is joy and hope for the coming of baby Jesus and what that means for your soul and eternal life, yet at your core there is a numbness, a self preservation to protect yourself. I sit here on a rainy, dreary day feeling sorry for myself as I type this and knowing that this is not what I truly feel, yet these feeling surface and threaten to choke out any hope I may have.  I know as I sit here, I wait for baby Jesus to come, knowing I am very blessed. I know I love Christmas. I have memories of a wonderful childhood, with the best Christmas. I have a great support system of family and friends. I love Christmas! So today, I will listen to Christmas music, make gingerbread man, shop online for gifts, and try to get a picture of Sadie with a Santa cap, because this stuff makes me happy. I will tackle Christmas head on with joy, hope, and love. I will turn my blog purple, like the purple candles in my advent wreath. Purple the color we see in the morning before sunrise as we wait for the "Son" to come. Purple and all the hope it means...

Birthday Week

Well, another week, and I am another year older. It's funny how birthdays make you look back reflect on your accomplishments, reflect on what's missing, and hope for next year.  I had a nice lunch with my friend M, and my friend J and K baked me a pie. J, who was in Key Largo for work, sent me a picture of a key lime pie!(husbands, gotta love em). Nature gave me a few more gray hairs on the side(seriously, overnight), and I now have an appointment with my hair dresser next week! My favorite gift was a hug and smile from my 4 year old friend K.L.   The love and joy of a child is priceless. I did work on my birthday, and I have decided I will never do that again!

My birthday week was very eventful. We started at the tapestry conference in Irving. It is this giant free adoption conference. It was incredible. We reconnected with friends from our adoption orientation. Some who are now parents, and some who are still waiting. I learned so much great information about raising an adopted child. I'm so excited, it is so hard to wait and be hopeful. I will say that every birthday you celebrate while waiting definitely brings up feelings of infertility loss, adoption loss, and time spent waiting. I guess its just one of those things you have to power through and focus on the positives. We did find out some friends matched with a birthmom and we are so happy for them. They are going to be incredible parents and please remember them in your prayers as the time from match to birth to bringing the baby home is exciting, stressful, and exhausting. (sounds like all the description of parenthood I have heard!)

Monday of my birthday week was Halloween. This year I helped my friend with a Trunk or Treat at her church. We did a cat and the hat theme and kids had to do games based on the book to get a prize. The little ones loved it! J and I also had fun planning and putting on our trunk. I have attached the picture but I am warning you, I look very scary. I tried to tease my hair and paint it blue, I'm surprised the kids were not to afraid to approach our trunk! I made both the cat and thing costume. J was a great Cat in the Hat, the kids loved her! This was one of the highlights of my week!

I will wrap up my birthday week by telling you about a gift my parents got me for my birthday. It was a cross necklace that my mom ordered from Washington National Cathedral. I love it. It's funny how I get stressed or sad during the day and I find myself subconsciously touching the cross on my neck. I have thought about it often. I think this is God trying to remind me to have faith, remember what Jesus sacrificed for me. God has a plan for me and it is his timing not mine. Its subtle, but it is a real reminder. 

First 9 patch

I attended my first quilting bee this week. It was interesting to say the least. I learned a lot and attempted a patch this weekend. This is it. I'm proud it's finished, but oh it is bad!! The squares are uneven, the grain is not consistent with each patch, but you know what, I did all by myself! I conquered the sewing machine, and won. Meeting some women who have been quilting for decades is pretty amazing. There are lots tricks and patience is required. I really want to create something beautiful, but I guess I have to start with baby steps. Its funny how this applies to life. How often to I want the "beautiful, finished product", but don't want to put the time and hard work required to get that product. I feel my journey to become a parent is like this 9 patch. I want it to be perfect now! God is working on me, he wants me to practice, to be patient, and not give up! That is what I will have to do with my adoption journey (and quilting) if I want to eventually have the end products I dream of!

Sunrises and Stuff

You haven't seen me in awhile, but only because life has gotten in the way. I have been so tired from work that all I want to do when I get home is take a break. I don't want to even look at a computer! I love October. If I had to pick a favorite month this would be it. The weather starts to change, I celebrate my wedding anniversary, youth group at church gets in full swing, Rangers baseball in post-season play, and the smells of pumpkin and apples permeate my house. 

One topic I have blogged about, is what waiting families(including us) should do during our adoption wait. It seems like be the end of this journey to parenthood I'm going to be very well rounded(or have lots of new projects that will never get finished!). Newest activity up is quilting! I plan to start a beginning quilting bee. When the nice woman called to give me options for which bee to pick, I said "I would like the one for people who don't know how to sew!" She paused, but then found a place for me. What a nice lady!  I have a sewing machine from when I was gung-ho about this same activity about 7 years ago. Machine is still in the box and I dusted it off this weekend. I have found that I have the same road block, and that is, HOW DO I USE THIS SEWING MACHINE?  I will update you as this journey continues, lets hope I can figure this out!

Another activity I started about 3 months ago is Crossfit. I get up and go to this workout class at 630 almost every weekday and have really started to enjoy it. For those of you who are looking for a great workout that really improves strength, and doesn't take very long I would recommend this. I will be fit and ready to chase a toddler around when we get to that stage!  Getting up that early can be difficult, but the reward is great! For instance today, the sunrise was spectacular. What a great time to pray and reflect! 

I have included something I saw that made me laugh! Hope you laugh today too...

TV Show Hits Home

Last night premiered a new season of the TV show "Parenthood".  I have been watching this show for a couple of years now and am very interested in the new story lines for this year. Pregnancy of friend or family member, and infertility and adoption of another.  These 2 story lines appeal to me for obvious reasons. I knew this was coming this year, but what I didn't expect was the direction the adoption story was going to take. I was a little irritated with the adoption language, and I hope moving forward they will use "adoption friendly" words.  I also hope they will use this show as a platform to portray a true picture of adoption and not just use extremes for TV ratings.
Julia, the character who wants to adopt is confronted with a young women at work who is pregnant and not "keeping" her baby and faced with the question of should she approach this young woman with a request to adopt her child. This past week I have really been contemplating this one aspect of adoption, that is, asking another woman her adoption/parenting plans. You may ask why and I would tell you because of my job.  I am asked on a regular basis for over the counter medication for woman who are pregnant.  Not really a big deal, but my wheels start turning when the mom is very young. I have had a very young women and her mom in 2 nights in a row.  I am professional and answer their questions, but in the back of my mind I really want to ask, "Do you plan to parent, and if not have you considered adoption?" I don't, I just keep quiet and remain professional, but this is a scenario that has happened several times.  I don't want to judge or pretend to know what is best for a complete stranger, but sometimes I wonder if God has put me on this path because I am an accessible professional to woman who may be considering adoption. The challenge is jumping the great divide to get the conversation started, and I still feel that is not my place to initiate it.
I think I have a solution.  I need a button that says, "Ask me about Adoption" or something like that. Maybe this puts me in the path in case someone is curious..Maybe I should think bigger, maybe we all should wear this button..imagine the audience...the possibilities...

Too Hot to Blog, or do anything else!

I don't have much to say lately. The heat is draining my brain power!! I would like to redirect you to a blog I follow. The blogger's husband posted a man's perspective on adoption. I found it very refreshing and moving.

http://elderadventures.blogspot.com/2011/07/dads-perspective.html

Half-Priced Books II: The Bookmark

(This blog is in reference to the blog posted on June 26.)
This bookmark has really got me thinking about adoption and parenthood and a future that is unknown. This bookmark has so many metaphors and meanings. If you aren't into sentimental and corny then you probably should not read any further. Can you use a bookmark as a metaphor for adoption? Is that even possible, a 2 x 4 laminated piece of paper colored by a small child for his mom, and adoption? I think so. This is to me is  an example of all the lives that are weaved together by adoption. It is a tapestry of colors(emotions) drawn by this child, to create something that is beautiful. It is not just us, the family who adopts and lives happily ever after(or so we hope), but a family that also must make the decision to choose adoption for their child, the loss they will experience. I think to truly understand adoption you must grieve WITH the birthmom/family that is having to make this choice. By grieve I don't mean be judgmental, but prayerfully respect the emotions they must be feeling, and the love they have in their hearts to consider adoption. When I found this bookmark, I was sad for the mother who didn't have it anymore.  From my perspective, this bookmark is precious, and beautiful and I know she too feels this too. I understand the loss associated with it. Today, I would like to remember in my prayers(and I hope you do too) all women who are struggling with the decision to choose between adoption and parenting. May God be their light, and lead them to do what is best for their child.

For me the bookmark also symbolized hope. Hope that I would be a mom. After I photoshopped out the face, it got me thinking. One day, I hope their is a picture of my child. Right now it is fuzzy, but it will come into focus eventually.

A Worthwhile Wait?

I was recently challenged with a series of questions, one of which I would like to babble about.....
What is the healthiest way to emotionally and spiritually wait? Of course this question was in reference to my waiting during the adoption process, but I don't think that I can or should draw the line there. I think all of us wait for something in life, something that is special, something that is dear to our hearts. How do we do this? How do we do this with grace and faith? I have been thinking about this, well not just thinking about it, but trying to live it, trying to pray about it, and trying to seek advice from others on this topic. If I look back on the past year, there is just not one thing I've done, but a whole assortment of things. Some good, some maybe not so good. I've cried! I've screamed! I've been honest! I've prayed! I've tried new recipes! I've read the bible! I've blogged! I've talked to friends(thanks guys)! I've taken a vacation! I've exercised! I've gotten a new haircut! I've read books!

I guess the answer to the question is that I don't have an answer. So for now while I wait, I will wake up every morning, put 2 feet on the ground, say a prayer of thanks and a prayer for strength and take it day by day. I will try everyday to find something that makes me smile and do something selfless for someone else.  I will try to make this a worth while wait, a time where I learn and grow emotionally and spiritually.  So, for all of those who are waiting for something, I will leave you with something small to smile about.(Or at least this made me smile)

My new doormat that Sadie has really enjoyed!

Looking Back and Growing from It

J and I were reflecting on the past year at his birthday dinner. We were commenting how, if things had gone differently we could have an 8 month old. It is really a weird, almost a surreal thought. Today, our failed adoption feels like a very foggy dream. The past few months have really allowed me to mature and realize, we can't think about what could have been we just have to look forward and prepare ourselves for the next experience.  I think it was just a test run(a very real, and painful test run) making sure we had considered all the possibilities. I think looking back it has prepared me on how we will handle our next adoption match. I have been saving more money!! Buying the crib, carseat, and portacrib all in a 10 day window really hit home with the cost of raising a child in this day and age. Another really big change is the amount of information we share with others. I think I am a very honest person, almost to a fault. Everyone doesn't need to know the whole story, every tiny detail. Don't get me wrong, we are going to be excited, and share information, just not everything. I plan on keeping a tighter control on the information we share about our birthmom. Her story and how our baby came to be ours, is going to be our child's story to share, not ours. I think this will be the biggest change I make and probably the hardest. This is typically the information people want, all the gory details that led to this child being in my home. I think the answer that will be best, "This child is here because that is where God wanted him/her."  My love and my heart is the same and will still be vulnerable, but I'm ready! Bring it on!(Sooner rather than later!)

Half-Priced Books: More than I bargained for

Yesterday, J and I hit Half Priced Books in search of a particular book on adoption. Their selection is very slim(I guess people tend to hang on to those books). I did not find the book I was looking for but found a few others that looked interesting. I opened the book titled "Loved by Choice" and hidden in the back was a bookmark. This was not just any book mark, but a special, homemade one with the inscription that said "Dear Mom, I will love you forever, and forever you will be the most wonderful mother, You mean everything to me." On the back was a picture of a child and I'm guessing the artist of this bookmark. (I photoshopped him out for obvious reasons.) It is amazing something so small can illicit so many feelings. My first thought was that a mother out there must be missing this bookmark. It obviously was accidently left in the book before it was sold to the bookstore. Of course there is no way to track down the mom and the clerk said they would just throw it away. I decided to buy the book and save this precious bookmark from the recycle bin. I showed it to J and told him my feelings of sadness for the mom who was missing this. And sweet J, always amazing me said"Maybe it was meant for someone to find, someone wanting to be a mom as a reminder that those words could be meant for them!" So I'm keeping it as a reminder, and one day, maybe I will leave it in the book for someone to find, and give them hope.

Lent Day 37: "Change"

Lent is a time of reflection and change. My goal this lent has been to pray more, complain less, and blog about it. I decided today would be a good change day. You can see I have changed the look of my blog. I am learning the blog tricks and I expect to change it more as I get better. Even with all the visible changes, I believe it is the content that really affects people.  I think blogging has helped me to express my feeling. Writing is very therapeutic. As a math/science person, I didn't ever think I would say those words. Change day has also included changing my hair. Yesterday I told my hairdresser to cut it all off!!! J helped me get a good picture so you could see the change. So, I have changed my blog appearance, my appearance, what's left to change? I think I will change a thought. That is what this is about, right? Changing and growing on the inside. Yesterday, I blogged about waiting and my Dad left a great comment. Maybe I'm looking at wrong. Maybe Sadie isn't waiting. She is enjoying life just as it is.  So, yesterday I did something fun and enjoyed something beautiful that God has given us. I visited the Botanical Gardens, in particular the rose gardens. They were spectacular!! Today, I encourage everyone to just be, and appreciate the beauty around you, just as Sadie does everyday. (Thanks for the inspiration Dad!)

Strike a Pose!

Everything is coming up Roses!!

For Martha, It's the Cinco de Mayo Rose.

Peace

Beauty

Love

Lent Day 36: "Still Waiting"

If you read "patiently waiting"(April 3) on my blog, this is a continuation. I took these pictures of Sadie, last night and this morning. It is interesting that she always goes to the same spot to sit and wait. It is kind of like me. I like my routine. I rely on things that are familiar to me. She ventures off course a little, but she prefers in front of the planters as her favorite.  I have been thinking of our adoption journey a lot this week. It seems the reminders keep coming up. Funny how some weeks it is in the background but others it is in the forefront. It started this weekend when my friend KL(4 years old going on 15) wanted to go into "the baby's room". Several months ago she came to see the room when we got the news we were picked by a birthmom. I honestly was surprised she remembered that room. After the failed adoption, the room's door has just remained closed, because I just really don't know what I should do about "that room". She wanted to see what toys I had for the baby, and to let me know that now that she was 4 she could help me babysit.(and that her brother would not be interested in that!) So, we went in the room. I wasn't sad(big step), and we looked at the toys. They got her approval. It really got me thinking, "When would there be a baby in this room? 

Later in the week we got a general email update from our adoption agency that they were working with several birthmothers and praying for all the waiting families. They have already had 7 placements this year! It got me thinking again, "When would there be a baby in this room?"

Also this week, our quarterly adoption education form is due. We are required to continue to educate ourselves on adoption issues and turn a form into our agency. I am finishing up a book called "Adopting after Infertility". Again got me thinking, "When will there be a baby in that room?"

This morning seeing Sadie in that same spot, I got my answer.  The answer is: I must STILL, PATIENTLY WAIT!!!

Lent Day 26: "Patiently Waiting"

Yesterday, I worked on my back patio.  I planted some colorful spring plants in some planters and spruced up my patio. I later snapped this picture of Sadie hanging out, and patiently waiting by my Saturday project.  You may ask , "What is Sadie waiting for?" She waits, staring out into the yard in hopes of seeing rabbits, birds, and on occasion deer. She sits, enjoys the breeze, and doesn't seem in a hurry to go anywhere. She patiently waits. Life for her seems so simple. Why can't it be that simple for me? I am supposed to patiently wait for what God has in store for me. Why is that so hard? I fill my day with little events and string them together while I wait.  I dream, hope, and wonder. I try not to get to excited or plan too much, after all I am waiting. I have no control over the waiting.  I have control over the patience and it is something that I have to work at in my life.  What in your life must you patiently wait for?